I’ve always liked cats better than dogs… perhaps for these reasons: 1: Dogs bark (cats can yowl but only about half of them actually do) 2: Dogs lick you and breathe on you. (I mean, come on, it’s really gross when you think about it. Now, a cat will never lick you unless it’s deranged.) 3: Dogs require grooming. (Cats are self-washing.) Besides, a good cat will sit quietly on your lap for a long time and purr…dogs can’t purr. :-) Don’t get me wrong, I don’t detest all dogs―I’ve known some very nice and well-behaved dogs (but not many). And there’s always Snoopy…. However, here’s why I hate dogs right now. I live in a small town and some of my neighbors have dogs―normally, these are well-loved and well cared for animals that don’t bark very often. However, in the summer, I think, “Farfel” moved in across the street. (I’ve nicknamed him Farfel in reference to the Seinfeld episode, “The Dog,”) I don’t know what kind of dog he is because I’ve never been able to see him―but I suspect he’s medium to full size. But I can hear him. Farfel barks at odd times all through the day (and maybe all through the night, thank heavens I have a white noisemaker!). He’s got to be the most annoying dog in the whole world. "I'm not sure this is a dog." He tends to bark right as I’m working on homework―thus, I turn on my iPod and drown him out with music. I hate that dog so much. Yes, I know. I should feel sorry for it and I sort of do―I mean, who lets their dog bark all day long?? But hey, I’d be really happy if God sent a random lightning bolt to strike Farfel. I’ve thought about dieffenbachia sap―which temporarily freezes the vocal cords―but dismissed that idea. (What if it tried to eat me instead of the sap? Or the owners caught me?) I asked my Dad what happens if you call animal control about a barking dog but I think he forgot to ask around. I’ve vowed that I don’t want to have a dog ever―unless, I find a mutt who is quiet and peaceful. (I detest purebreds―they have two traits: 1: weird health and behaviour problems due to over breeding and 2: bragging rights. I was talking to a former friend of mine―who is big into purebreds―once about the Peanuts comic strip and I said, “Snoopy is so funny,” and then my friend sniffed, “Isn’t Snoopy a Beagle? I don’t like Beagles.” No wonder we aren’t friends anymore. :-D) Meanwhile, Farfel is barking as I type. Losing mind… turning up Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers to restore sanity….
I thought these quotes from Seinfeld were particularly amusing since they reflect how I feel right now….
New scene.
Jerry's apartment, he's got all of his furniture up and there's a loud incessant barking coming from the bedroom. Jerry and Farfel are playing 'tug of war' with one of Jerry's sneakers. Elaine is in the kitchen.
Jerry: Let go, Farfel! Let go, gimme that! Gimme the sneaker you stupid idiot! Shut up!
Jerry: (to Farfel) STOP IT! SHUT UUUUUUP!!! (to Elaine) Do you believe this?
Do you believe what I'm dealing with here; I've got a wild animal in the house!
He's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw.
Elaine: If only.
Later...
Jerry hangs up the phone and begins singing and dancing.
Jerry: Going to the dog pound, everybody! Going to the dog pound, come on down. (To Elaine) What?
Elaine: Do you have to?
Jerry: What am I supposed to do? I don't want to do it. I like dogs. I'm not sure this is a dog.
Elaine: You know, the guy might have just lost your number.
Jerry: I'm in the book and I have a machine.
Elaine: Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? They keep themthere for a week and then if nobody claims them, they kill them.
Jerry: Really? How late are they open?
New scene.
Elaine and Farfel are playing 'tug of war' with a jacket.
Elaine: Gimme the jacket, furface, this is not Seinfeld you're dealing with!
When I get through with you, you'll be begging to go to the pound!
The phone rings, Farfel begins barking.
Elaine: Shut up. Shut up! (Answers phone) Hello? No, who's calling? Oh my, the dog guy. Where have *you* been? Yeah, well you better pick up your dog tonight or he has humped his last leg.
http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheDog.htm
Hehehehe
:-)
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1 comment:
Another thing to dislike about dogs (or their owners who don't train them): they jump on you, which can get you dirty, scratch you, and/or knock you down. The dog at the top of my hit list lives right next door. When she barks, which is a LOT, she sounds like she's right in my bedroom. When she knocks my kids down or wakes them up (very often), my level of dislike intensifies to hatred. I even prayed for God to strike her dead. Do you think He's keeping that one in one of those gold bowls in heaven? :)
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